I was on the road performing at a small town comedy club. The show had just ended and I settled in at the bar to talk to fans and to share road stories with the female comedian that I’d just done the show with. After a while, I excused myself and headed for the toilet.
I was just about to enter the tiny bathroom when I felt hands on my hips and a strange voice whisper in my ear.
“You’re mine, funny man.”
A strange woman pushed me into the bathroom and started unzipping my pants.
“Hello,” I said.
She locked the door.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“What’s it look like?” she responded.
“Is this how you say hello to all the guys you just meet?”
“You don’t want to know,” she said while assuming a catcher’s position.
Actually, I did want to know. I have a paranoid brain. I’m a quasi-germophobe. Was this her first time doing something like this or was she always this careless? Was the comedian from last week in her mouth? She has her front teeth but I don’t remember looking for molars, did she have all of them? It all happened too fast. How’s her hygiene? Should I be on the lookout for a jealous boyfriend/husband? Who was this person?
She was sexy. Long hair, pretty face, a size 5 with a full b-cup and a great smile. I don’t remember seeing her in the audience but I do remember her eyeballing me at the bar after the show. I didn’t go talk to her then because I had just gone through a break up. Plus, I had gotten all the STD tests done and I wanted to be worry free for at least 3 months. You know, clear my head, regroup and find my sense of self.
This sort of thing has happened before and I remembered driving home feeling cheap and easy those other times. I don’t like that feeling. My ego felt satisfied but I also felt that I’d lost or that I’d given up. I’d lost control because it’s exciting to have someone need me so much that they’d do anything, even go so far as to ambush me in a bathroom.
But most importantly, did she was her hands?
I stopped her before I could feel her breath.
“Hey, I can’t do this”
“Huh? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, sorry. I can’t do this with my girlfriend waiting at the bar.”
“Invite her in.” she joked.
I unlocked the door and summoned the female comedian from the bar. She came over and I gave her a look that said, “please play along.” I introduced them, “This is my girlfriend. Girlfriend, meet lady from the bathroom.”
The comedian put her arm around my waist.
“You’re not trying to have sex with my boyfriend are you?”
“Oh my god, you two are together? You’re a lucky girl and you’re very funny.”
“Thank you. Can I have my boyfriend back now?”
She pulled me close, “You’re so irresistible. Aren’t you, honey?” then she french kissed my cheek and pinched my ass. I guess I had that coming. I had to pay for it somehow. I can’t get anything from that can I? The rest of the night I thought about which was better for my phobia, oral pleasure or a tongue on my cheek. I checked for razor burn and didn’t see any breaks in the skin, so I assumed I was okay.
I imagine that I’d have let that stranger do what she wanted if she’d have whispered something different in my ear as she grabbed my waist.
She’d whisper, “I just washed my hands and haven’t touched anything dirty. I also have sanitizer in my pocket just in case.” She’d use her foot to push open the bathroom door, then she’d grab a paper towel and lock it.
“I don’t even know your name,” I’d say.
“My name is on the free clinic paper I have in my back pocket. Go ahead, read it. I’m clean.”
“But how do I know what you’ve done between then and now?” I’d ask.
She’d show me a time lapse video of her life from the moment she left the clinic to the moment she pushed me into the bathroom. “You’re prepared,” I’d say.
She’d respond, “You never know when you’re going to meet a weirdo.”