I Do Not Like the Neighbor’s Dog and Here’s Why

I’m going to have to move.  I can’t stand my neighbor’s dog.  It’s tiny, it barks incessantly all day and its name is Precious.

When I go outside, it runs inside its little doghouse and peeks its tiny head out to spy on me. It always barks at me one last time before it disappears.  I hate that last bark.  Like it’s warning me to stay on my side of the fence. Or maybe it’s defiance. Either way, Precious has some moxie; the friggin balls on this dog.

I’ve brought out food as a peace offering many times.  Good food, too.  Once I brought Thanksgiving leftovers and Precious  just stood there, about three feet from the fence and barked at me while I held the food out with my hand.
“Here boy.  Take the food.  It’s okay, take it.  Shhhh.  Stop barking.  I’m your friend.  I don’t want to hate you, Precious.  Shhhh.  Take the food.  TAKE THE GOD DAMN FOOD!”
I laid the food down on the other side of the fence and walked away.  It kept barking.  From my kitchen window I watched Precious circle the food and approach it cautiously like a squirrel.  I watched him inspect the food, checking it for booby traps and quality.  Finally, Precious dragged the bone into the doghouse.  I hate how he does that.  The bone wasn’t big or heavy and he still dragged it on the ground because he’s slothful, sluggish, spoiled and lazy.

I don’t complain to my neighbors about the barking. I can’t because I never see them.  When I go outside, they also hurry into their house and spy on me.  I hear a lock put on the door and a window shut. Then I see them close a curtain and open it just enough for their eyeballs.

Dogs are just like their owners.  In this case, they both run from me.  But, why? I choose to believe it’s because they don’t know who I am.  They just know me as the guy that futilely waves to them and tries to steal the love of their dog by way of leftovers.

Maybe I’ll try going to their doorstep with food.  And when they don’t answer, I’ll stick a baked chicken leg through an open window.
“Here, neighbors.  Take the food.  I’m a friend.  It’s okay.  Stop shaking.  Put the phone down, you don’t need to call the cops. Shhhh.  That’s right. Closer.  I won’t hurt you.”
Then, as they nibble on the chicken from my hand through the window, I’ll snatch them both tightly by the hair, “DO YOU LIKE THIS?!  DO YOU?!  IF YOU DON’T, THEN YOU’LL GET PRECIOUS TO SHUT HIS FACE WHEN HE SEES ME!  GOT IT?! NO MORE BARKING!”
Then I’ll release them both.  “Good day, sir. Madam.”

As I walk from their house I imagine I would get an ovation, along with flowers cast at my feet by the surrounding neighbors.  For weeks on end I would get letters of appreciation from once sleepless neighbors. I would even get a key to the city and a presidential pardon for assaulting my neighbors by the hair. There would be a city ordinance passed banning the name Precious unless used ironically. I would be the neighborhood hero turned celebrity that put an end to the unremitting, unending, uninterrupted barking of Precious. I mean, Wags, the dog formally known as, Precious.

Processed Foods No More

I work out 5x a week and I still couldn’t get rid of stubborn fat. What did I do about it? I didn’t change my workout routine. I only changed my diet. I didn’t go on a crazy diet plan and I didn’t have to buy a “weight loss” system. I only changed what I would buy at the store.
Here are some of the changes:
I cut out most processed foods.
Incorporated vegetables to every meal.
Drank more water.
Ate more boiled eggs and salmon.
Switched to all organic.
The only sugar I had was in fruit.
And psyllium fiber to help it all through my system.
I still had a vodka or two when I’d go out so I would still feel normal.

After 3 weeks, here are the results…

I imagine that my body will still transform as the year progresses. I’ll post results in a few months.
I hope this helps anyone needing incentive to change their eating habits.
Also watch these great movies to learn about the food we eat:
Fed Up: The Movie
Fat Sick & Nearly Dead


%d bloggers like this: